Monday, August 08, 2005



Well, we've found out what it takes to get Congressmen pissed off about being lied to under oath these days: .289/.371/.516, with 569 home runs, 1834 RBI, and 3018 hits. The chair of the House Committee on Government Reform, Tom Davis III, has asked for information from MLB about Rafael Palmeiro's positive steroids test. The committee is expected, says Congressional Quarterly, "to pay close attention to the timeline in baseball records" to determine whether the juice might have been responsible for the convincing bristle in Palmeiro's mustache as he denied ever having been juiced.

Us ordinary folk, we just have to settle for writing a letter to the editor when we're outraged. Congress is special. They can do something! They can order Palmeiro to shave that mustache and let them test every hair if they get a mind to.

You close followers of Congress in the audience will note that this is the first time Congress has paid close attention to anything since their surprisingly close interest in Mary Carey's gubernatorial campaign.

And it's the first time Congress has been outraged over possible perjury since the good ol' innocent days in the summer of 1998, when, so a reliable source tells me, the most-searched terms of the online posting of the Starr Report at a certain major daily newspaper were "Sosa" and "anal."

Too bad Palmeiro can't be impeached! Think of the lesson that would teach America's children about the seriousness with which Congress takes their duty to . . . uh . . . do whatever it is they do. Has the White House issued marching orders on Palmeiro yet?

Then again, if it does turn out that Palmeiro lied brazenly to Congress, then surely Karl Rove won't waste any time before hiring him. After all, lying smoothly under oath is a skill that could come in mighty handy at the White House as Patrick Fitzgerald's Amazin' Prosecutin' Machine keeps rolling.

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To be clear: there's a chance Palmeiro's telling the truth, though it seems unlikely. I don't know the whole story. Maybe the Congressional hearings got him thinking about these "steroids" things, and he thought it might be time to give them a try. That's how advertising's supposed to work, right? And we all know Palmeiro understands the advertising game.
Since one of the side effects of anabolic steroids is impotence, one wonders how often Palmeiro contacts the pfriendly pfolks at Pfizer to request more "free samples."

Speaking of things that can cause increased blood flow to certain portions of the male anatomy, let me point out that it's Levi who's always (well, occasionally) posting links to women with a certain body configuration, such as Mary Carey and Mrs. Jose Lima. Maybe someday I'll be able to tie Rose McGowan in with baseball somehow.
Was I that source? I'm more than happy to disclose that, since that was one of my favorite discoveries -- evah.
See, Scooter Libby? See, Karl Rove? All it takes is a little bravery to get your intrepid reporter off the hook. Follow Dan's example, boys, and American will be a better place!
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